Hold space; what does that even mean?!
The concept was introduced to me through a friend I cherish deeply. I remember the first time she used the terminology and practice with me… mid an internal freakout, my mind was trying to register what she meant. A cross between an ugly cry and WTF are you talking about look formed across my face. Or maybe it was only the ugly cry — either way, I was dumbfounded.
This woman stood beside me in a moment of darkness. Her presence symbolized the strength I needed as I verbally vomited my emotions; she listened with intent. Zero judgment formed in our conversation as the deep wound in my confession was filled with its own judgments. Affirming my being, seeing me for where I was, and offering no solutions, only reflections of truth already known.
As a society, I believe we have lost the art of human connection. Often we are characters in the life of another playing the role of a bystander but never connecting through the vulnerabilities of living. This concept has been replaced with the idealism of keeping up with the Jones’ and creating an outward reflection of perfection. Uuuuugggghhhh, aren’t we all tired yet?!
A book I read mentioned how easy it is to get to know an American but how quickly they leave. This stuck with me. How do I cultivate relationships with depth? In what ways can I grow the relationships I currently have? Do I WANT to grow some of the relationships I have? I do not want to be the person who takes up space in another person’s life. I want to be the friend that says “I’m holding space for you” in the moments you need it.
So how do you do that?
You show up.
Actively Listen
Make eye contact and avoid folding your arms in front of you. Face the person speaking, provide nonverbal or verbal cues to let them know you are paying attention. At times, reflect back to them what you are hearing to ensure you have clarity around their share. This allows them to feel heard and understood or correct if needed.
Don’t problem solve
OOOOhhhh – how hard this lesson has been for me. (HA!) Only because I want the best for all of my friends. But guess what?! Sometimes our presence in their walk is enough. Make it a point to be present in the conversation and hold back any advice unless specifically asked. Even then, depending on the topic, you may say “I don’t have anything I can offer.” or “I haven’t experienced this before.”
Affirmation — I see you
To bring forth vulnerabilities is courageous. Fear of being judged, shamed or guilt is a strong motivator in remaining silent. To affirm someone by validating their existence can be life-changing. Speaking only from personal experience, when someone has said “I see you, you are not alone, I believe in you, you got this.” has brought me to my knees in tears. Sometimes this simple acknowledgment can be the one thing we need.
Don’t take on their backpack
Yup! You read that correctly. Do not carry the backpack of another. It is not yours to carry. Not your sisters, brothers, best friends, husbands or wife’s. None of ’em. We must learn to set boundaries and walk with our people, not for them.
Self-care — before / after
It is important to care for yourself before and after holding space. Practices like taking deep breaths to mentally clearing your mind or other forms of meditation and intention setting can be helpful. After spending time with your loved one, some form of movement such as dance, a walk, yoga, or running is a great way to expel the emotion and energy you experienced.
It is time we take showing up more seriously for those we love. To connect more deeply and honor their existence by simply being present.
Please keep in mind this is for information purposes only and not to be replaced with any medical advice or treatments. It is important to seek help from a trained professional to receive the proper help needed.
🎧 Song: OK Not To Be OK – Marshmello, Demi Lovato
